Parenting Project Update

1. I didn't shout at all this past week. I think I'm out of the habit! Result. 

2. Correcting. I still do it. I don't think this one was a very good resolution. Correcting does need to happen as things go wrong, but I do want to minimise doing this (e.g., it makes no difference if I tell the boys to quiet down in the mornings -- I may as well not add nagging to the cacophony). What I am resolving to do instead is to do think-throughs about speaking in a polite, respectful voice with pleases and thank yous at least a couple of times each day, at a neutral time. I'm sure Harry will find this most enjoyable ;-). (This is from the book I've talked about before, Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting.)

3. Still enjoying 3 good things. 

4. No therapy for the next 3 weeks! How will I cope? 

5. No sugar I found really hard. Like super hard. I was also eating more, in an attempt to scratch the sweet itch. And not increasing my veg intake, so I've eased up. I'm going back to my fruit & yoghurt smoothies in the morning. Yes, I am hungrier before lunch than if I have the same amount of calories in porridge form, but my morning smoothie makes me happy. And it's the only way I've found to get myself to eat two portions of fruit per day. I think I'll allow myself one other little treat per day. Something like that. This morning I had french toast with berries, maple syrup and creme fraiche. YUM. It's a lot of happiness, and on reflection, worth it.

6. Exercise. Not so good. Only twice in the past week. Must do better. I used to use an app called gym pact, now called just "pact." You say how often you're going to go to the gym at the beginning of every week, and then you get fined an amount you specify for any workout missed. I had it set up so that it would charge my credit card £20 for every workout missed (it also links with RunKeeper). Each time you go to the gym, you have to check in, and you can't cheat (very much) because it uses GPS to make sure you're actually at a gym. This worked really well for me. Yes, I got charged a few times, but the cost was far less than personal training. I thought I didn't need it anymore, that the habit was so well established that I could forego the hassle of checking in. Not so much. I've just reinstalled the app. I'm committing to 5 workouts next week.

7. The big winner for this month of physical health has been weaning myself off falling asleep with headphones in my ears. Every night I dread not being able to listen to something as I fall asleep, but it's oh so much better! I like the random thought-surfing as I fall asleep. I'm sleeping better for sure. Nice.

I'm starting to look forward to May. Household organisation!

Parenting Project Update

It's been a busy week, so it feels like a bit of a cheat. I haven't had much time to misbehave with the children. Sian says I'm definitely a lot less shouty, so that's good. In terms of defining shouting, I've realised that Harry is the best judge. Last weekend I took the boys to the skate park on Saturday morning. When it was time to go, I did need to yell to get Harry to listen to me. He said that it was turning into the worst day of his life because I was being a mean, shouting mummy. I tried to tell him that I was just "calling out" so that he could hear me, but he was totally right. I was irritated, and my voice was loud and mean. Ah well.

Correcting. I've made an effort. What I need to be better at is doing the think throughs in advance, at a neutral time. We had a couple of very early starts from Harry this week. Once he has already come into our room and bugged us, it's pretty much impossible for him to remain silent in his room. But when I remember to ask him the night before what he should do in the morning if he wakes before 6, he almost always manages to leave us alone. I need to start doing this for politeness (please & thank you). Harry is bad about this, Tom is not. I realise writing this that I am still correcting at the time. I need to wait without comment for the please, and talk to him about this repeatedly at neutral times.

As for physical health, I've had nearly no sugar since Tuesday. I miss it, but I'm coping. My diet could still do with improvement though. I'm eating a lot of crisps. Exercise - tick, and 3 good things - tick! And I do think I'm sleeping better without the headphone in my ear. Reading an actual physical book in bed feels very vintage indeed.

I bought some gold stars for my notebook, but now I can't find them. The coloured dots really aren't doing it for me.

Mindful Parenting

I'm still not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be doing for these meditations; this isn't my sort of thing at all. But that doesn't stop me having high hopes. Two in particular. The most obvious is that I'm hoping that it will help me to be more present with my children. It made a big difference when (years ago) I banned myself from having my phone with me in the mornings. This will also surely help me to be in the moment when playing trains. I wish I liked playing these sorts of things, but I don't. However, I know that when I force myself to get into that sort of thing for 10 minutes, I sometimes really "see" their creativity, sense of fun, whatever, and that's nice. It's also worth the investment because that 10 minutes often turns into the boys playing on their own for another 20 minutes.

The other hope would be far more profound. I'm hoping this will make me better able to stop my quick, angry reactions. I have an inkling that I should be able to register my irritation/anger/frustration about something, "see" that feeling going through my mind. And then through seeing it, rather than just feeling it, be able to take the extra second to think how best to respond. Often the best response is to do nothing at all.  

What Constitutes Shouting?

I've been doing pretty well at not shouting. But sometimes I "call out." So I've been trying to figure out when it's ok to raise my voice. It seems kind of like dieting -- you can't stop eating altogether, which makes it trickier than say, quitting smoking. Anyway, I yelled out, "Tom! Stop! Come back here!" when he was going into an unauthorised part of Harry's school grounds. That seems totally fine. Certainly it's fine to prevent running into the road, or other semi-suicidal actions that 3-year-olds attempt on a daily basis. It certainly isn't fine when it's venting my anger for the sake of it. Maybe it's to do with the motivation behind it -- anger versus fear. But that seems too murky. I've been mulling.

I've come up with two (closely related) signs of when it's ok versus not ok. One is whether I would mind if strangers saw me doing it. Certainly in the case of running off at Harry's school, there were plenty of parents around, and I thought nothing of it. Totally fine. I know that my worst parenting happens when there are no other adults around. Sometimes I imagine that there are web-cams in the house when I'm feeling short-tempered. Anyway. The other sign is if I would be happy for Harry (Tom when he's older) to model my behaviour. When it's about safety, I'm happy for Harry to yell to Tom to stop whatever he's up to. So these are the questions I'm asking myself to determine whether I get my daily gold star for not shouting.

Today is Day 1 of Mindfulness. I've just done the first meditation. It made me v sleepy.

Amusing Mishaps

I didn't shout this morning, even though Harry really didn't want to go to school. Hurrah! Lest you think it's all been plain-sailing, let me share a few amusing stories from the first week of mental health.

At the conclusion of the therapy session, it was time to pay. I remembered having taken out £100 earlier in the day. I remembered incorrectly. I had £30 in my purse. HOW EMBARRASSING! To make matters worse, as I've mentioned, there is a sofa in the room. Actually, it's a proper analytic bed type-thing. So this means that instead of handing over the (inadequate amount of) cash in a civilised manner, I managed to leave it on the bed, as if for a prostitute. Awkward. I have a plan. I'm going to put cash for all the month's sessions in an envelope, and hand it over at the beginning of the next session. I can't go through that again.

Meanwhile, mindfulness. So I'm getting on alright reading the Mark Williams book. Only I really enjoy listening to books rather than reading them. So I thought I would go ahead and download it from Audible as well. So I was listening in the car, but also reading the kindle book as well. But I kept getting confused as to where I was -- I would be reading, and come across parts I knew I had heard on the audio, but then other passages weren't familiar. It was unnerving. If you click on those links they look like the same book, right? Well, not quite. Yeah. The audio is basically a condensed version. This did not make for a peaceful, mindful experience. To top it off, I have decided that in this case I actually need a hard copy of the book. So in the space of a week, I have bought the same(ish) damned book 3 times. And I think I may need to purchase a yoga mat for my office. This had better be worth it.

Rethinking the Outcome

A question I ask a lot of students I supervise is "What are you conceptualising as your dependent variable?" This is just jargon for, "What outcome are you interested in?"

I have been overwhelmed by the response to this blog. The comments on facebook, and the many personal messages have given me confidence that this is the sort of thing that folks want to read. That's very gratifying, and it really helps me to feel accountable -- sort of monitored in what I'm trying to do.

But what exactly am I trying to do? A few of the comments were reassuring that parenting only has to be good enough, perfection is not required. I TOTALLY agree with that. My boys live in an advantaged home in England, with plenty of folks around that love them. They aren't being abused. Beyond this, how they are parented won't make a difference to how they turn out. I absolutely believe this to be true. 

So I was wrong when I said in an earlier post that I wanted to improve my pareting, and in turn, my relationship with my boys, and in turn their behaviour. That's not what this is about. My outcome of interest is my relationship with the boys, not their behaviour. Obviously those are hard to separate, but I want the focus to be on enjoying my time with the boys more than I (often) do at the moment.

I still think that the research on the determinants of parenting is a good guide for what I should focus on. I can only change my behaviour, not the boys'. Although I am fond of pointing out that time has never moved more slowly for me than these early parenting years, I do know that when they draw to a close I will regret not trying to eek out maximum enjoyment from them. 

So you see, it's all about me.

Logging

I bought a Moleskin diary with one page per day at the beginning of the year. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with it, but I love Moleskin notebooks, and I just wanted one. I've used it a bit for daily to do lists, but that's not really my style. I prefer electronic for that, plus I've started blocking time for tasks rather than listing, and that is WAY better on iCal than on paper.

Well, the diary is proving perfect for logging my Parenting Project progress:

I'm giving myself stars! I think I need gold ones though.

I'm getting on much better with this mindfulness book. It outlines an 8 week programme. I'm reading through it this week, and I will start week 1 on Monday. I'm going to feel ridiculous doing it, but I will.

Therapy tonight - yay!

Month 1, Day 1

So far so good(ish). I started therapy last week. I sat in a chair, but there is also a bed in the room. Having fantasies of getting a massage at the same time. But I think a mani-pedi would be more realistic.

Three good things for today: 1. It is March 1st, and the sun was SHINING! 2. The boys played nicely 98% of the time today. Harry was being a really super big brother. 3. There was free circus-type entertainment set up in the park today. Unexpected bonus. The boys played for ages with this hollow barrel:

A friend recommended the book The Power of Now for mindfulness. I downloaded it from Audible. Tried to start listening. Yuck. Have now downloaded a Kindle version of Mindfulness: A practical guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World. We'll see…

As for the shouting, I did have one slip-up this morning. It wasn't too bad though, and I didn't let it ruin the rest of the day.

Mental Health

So, the first month, starting in 11 short days, is about my own mental health. I'm starting with this because it is such a strong predictor of parenting quality. Plus, it's all about ME, and what's not to like about that? I have decided on 3 specific behaviours for this. 

1. Start therapy. I wasn't going to do this, but when your partner suggests it, it's probably a good idea ;-). I have just contacted a clinical psychologist friend for a recommendation.

2. List 3 gratitudes at the end of every day. There is a tonne of positive psychology research showing that this improves mood, and also physical health. I do it from time to time, but I'm not super disciplined about it. 

3. Mindfulness. This does not appeal to me AT ALL, but apparently this also improves mood, even for those people who don't believe it will work. I work with someone who has developed an on-line programme for this. I need to talk to her about this, or maybe just read a self-help book about it. I really can't see myself sitting around being in the moment, but maybe I can just turn off the radio when driving.

I am aiming for three behaviours each month. I will carry on with those that work for me throughout the project, but I am going to do all three things for the entire month, in order to give them a fair shot.

Another major mood booster is exercise. I haven't included it here because I am already a regular exerciser. Tick! Alcohol is also a depressant. I am practically tea-total already, and for the month of March I will be sure not to touch a drop. This is (now) easy for me, so I'm not including it as one of the three behaviours.

On a more controversial note, I also take anti-depressants. I have done for years, and I'm just not interested in kicking the habit. There is research to suggest that anti-depressants mainly have a placebo effect for those suffering from mild depression. Sian pointed out that she thought my depression without them is more in the moderate range. In any event, there is no evidence of long-term side-effects, and the few times I have come off them, it has not worked out well. So these remain my medication of choice. The effect for me is nothing short of magical. I believe that in my case, there is a chemical imbalance that the meds fix perfectly. End of.

The Plan

So what's the plan? I'm going to spend the next 6 months, March 2014 --> August 2014, improving my parenting. In turn, I hope that this will improve my relationships with my boys, and in turn, their behaviour. Each month, I'm going to focus on one distal predictor of parenting, and one specific parenting strategy. It's crazy, I have been teaching this stuff for years, but find it oh so difficult to implement in my own life.

Month 1: Mental Health; stop shouting

Month 2: Personality; descriptive praise

Month 3: Marriage; special time

Month 4: CHAOS; reflective listening

Month 5: Social Support; only ask once

Month 6: Finances; plan for success

I reserve the right to switch things around -- this is the first draft!

  

It's Time

I have been putting off starting this Scientific Parenting Project for a long time now. I first thought to do this about 18 months ago, when I first read Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project. A few things have stopped me. I wanted to start in January, or September, or at least at some meaningful time of the year. I wanted to wait until Harry started school/work wasn't so busy/Tom could understand reason; the list never ended. Basically, I thought I would wait until this whole parenting thing felt easier, less like a daily crisis. How stupid is that? Clearly parenting is something I need to focus on if I perceive constant crises.

A few things have happened over the past month or so that have spurred me on to action. The boys are now 3 & 6; in many ways it doesn't get better than this. They can hold meaningful conversations, and still adore their parents. Still, I often find the joy in parenting distinctly lacking. Sadly the boys do pick up on this. One of my PhD students practiced a puppet interview on Harry and he very clearly stated that mummy does not like playing with him. And a few weeks ago before the boys' babysitter came over I was being particularly short-tempered, and Harry said, "I can't wait for Eve to come and for you to leave."

It's time to sort this whole parenting thing out.